The horror of grace
Geoff Bullock has emailed me a chapter of a book he has written that is not yet published. He has kindly offered the chapter to be posted here in the hope it might add to our discussions.
And here I find myself returning to the themes of this book. We have the deepest and darkest message imaginable. We have a revelation of God that plummets to such depth in reaching the wretchedness of humanity and somehow we have turned it into froth and bubble. We have taken the broken mutilated corpse of grace and have removed our guilt from his horrid wounds; we have disconnected grace from the darkness of humanity that grace has uncovered. We have absolved ourselves from identifying personally with the planning and outworking of the ongoing death of grace and so we are left with a theology and a paint brush that simply applies a shallow application of words, stifling the truth, silencing the truth, sentencing the world to silence. Tragically, in the process, we not only render ourselves irrelevant, we render God to the same insignificance.
How does the rest of the world deal with their pain? They abandon their journey of spiritual discovery and party like there is no tomorrow. They self-medicate with the tranquillisers of alcohol, drugs, sex and shopping. They go to their very relevant churches in the clubs, pubs and parties and they poor out their stories to each other. Their music is full of pain or the images of its escapism. The whole world and especially the young are looking for a real God, a real “identifier”, the reality of the divine and an absolute that will still be there when the escapism wears off.
Please, please, I beg of you, stand back from the answers that we think we have and ask yourself, if you were they, would you possibly find help with what we have been offering?
However, the more I hear and see what we represent and the answers we bring the more I see the world to be repelled by us. Some of us major on defining “normality’ in terms of sexuality. That’s great for the sexually orthodox, but it is no answer for the thousands and thousands of others. What do we offer to these brothers and sisters? Words? Proof texts. Doctrines? Celibacy? This is not good enough. Don’t make “it is written” responsible for your impotence. There must be more to God than this. There has to be. The cross is so inclusive, surely. If there was any conditionality it couldn’t have possibly occurred. Mankind is far worse, far more unforgivable than the issue of his sexual preference. Come on. We killed grace. We killed God. We attempted to remove him from our religion. We still do. Surely, this is the fundamental scourge of mankind. It is not this shallow. We are much, much worse. And God forgives even this, and he then forgives our judging of others. Truly divine
There are other answers. Let’s tie God down to an intellectual pursuit. Let’s get him to live his life according to the script. After al, it is written that all scripture is God breathed. Where is that written? In the bible. Who wrote the bible? God did. It is God’s word. Who says? God. How, in the bible? Who wrote the bible? Ok, we did, to.
You are not liking what I am saying, but, let God be God. Let his reality reveal himself. If he has to be explained by words, and I know I have dealt with this before, he is a very small God.
Do we have to make the reality of the creator of the universe dependent on something that a man has written, no matter what other men may say about it’s accuracy or divinity? That is simply too much to swallow. The world is not that silly and God is not subject to the frailty of our words. Look at an image on a television. Clear isn’t it? Take out a magnifying glass and look at the image from two centimetres. What do you see? A dot. The image is made up of dots. It has a limited definition. Our words have a limited definition. They can make an image, “through a glass, darkly”, but, what of the subtlety of the enormous truth between the dots? We must work through this, otherwise all we end up with is words.
It seems that we must define God and then define how we must live. A regimen of indoctrination and cultural behaviour. We then attempt to make the world submit to our depiction of life as we say God would have it. No wonder we find it easy to allow the US to bomb other faith and cultures without any real theological or moral debate. After all the US army is full of bible believing heterosexuals and their targets are unbelieving Muslims infidels. Maybe that was a bit below the belt! But, why were we silent? There has been more protest about the ordination of gay clergy! Why do you think the world is so disappointed with Christianity? We don’t make sense anymore. We are rightly seen as hypocrites. Is it any wonder that Islamic extremists have risen up to strike down own religion. Can you see how offensive it appears to be?
We must challenge our concepts of God with the smaller “dots” they we may imagine to be inside our “definition”. Why? Because we must discover the truth about God. We can’t possibly know it all. That is simply implausible and impossible.
In my last book “Jesus the unexpected God”, which was renamed by the publishers as “The power of your love”, I wrote of Jesus’ encounter with the Roman Centurion.
One day, after the book was published, I had the most powerful thought. A thought that challenged me immensely, a thought that continues to affect me profoundly.
At first, I was afraid of even mentioning my ideas, but the more I thought of it, the more wonderful Jesus became and the “definition” of God in Jesus, became all the more wonderful. All the more divine.
Let me retell the story.
Jesus and his disciples are in Capernaum and a Roman Centurion approaches Jesus.
Think about this for a second. One of Jesus’ disciples is Simon the zealot. Zealots conducted guerrilla warfare against the occupying Roman army. Zealots executed Roman sympathisers and collaborators. A spiritual zealot, like Simon, would have has at the top of his list of “Expectations of a Messiah”; “Political deliverance, national revival, King Jesus, dead Romans”. Surely that’s not too much to ask of a God who had delivered Israel time and time again from her enemies. In the “good old days” nations quaked in their dusty sandals when they thought of the anger of the “good old God” of Abraham Isaac and Jacob. How many millions of heads had been removed by the followers of this God? Simon would have looked at this Roman and burned with hatred as he waited for Jesus to call down “fire from heaven”.
Let’s put this story in a modern context.
Imagine Jesus in Baghdad. He is an US Army chaplain with twelve orderlies. In a strange twist of evangelistic zeal, these orderlies have decided that Iraq needs a revival and they are the ones who are going to bring it about. They are going to install Captain Jesus as the new spiritual head of the Iraqi government. Then they will share in the power and glory of the New Iraqi Kingdom, taking their places in the new Cabinet and sharing in the spoils.
One of Saddam Hussein’s bodyguards comes to Captain Jesus…………………..
Or, Jesus enters Dili. He is wearing the uniform of an Australian Military Chaplain. He comes to a crowded market place and an Indonesian Officer comes to him, pleading………………….
Israel time and time again from her enemies. In the “good old days” nations quaked in their dusty sandals when they thought of the anger of the “good old God” of Abraham Isaac and Jacob. How many millions of heads had been removed by the followers of this God? Simon would have looked at this Roman and burned with hatred as he waited for Jesus to call down “fire from heaven”.Jesus enters Dili. He is wearing the uniform of an Australian Military Chaplain. He comes to a crowded market place and an Indonesian Officer comes to him, pleading………………….Jesus enters Kosovo, wearing the Uniform of an United Nations Peace Keeper, and a Yugoslavian Military Officer comes to him, pleading…………………………………,
Jesus enters liberated Paris and a Nazi Commander comes to him, pleading…………………………..;
When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help.
“Lord,” he said;
The crowd is shocked. The Roman cohort attending the Centurion are ashen faced? The Centurion’s eyes on Jesus.
If only we were there. If only we had lived under Roman occupation. If we had we wouldn’t have missed the earth shattering opening words that came from the Centurion’s lips.
All that could be heard throughout the crowd, whether from Jew or Roman was;“What did he say?”
“Did he just call Jesus; Lord?”
The centurion has just committed suicide and everyone in the crowd new it.
The Roman soldiers minds spun:
“There is no other Lord than Caesar”.
“Treason!”
There was no way back. His fate was sealed. The deed was done. It was finished.
Jesus looked at his brother in sacrifice, here was a fellow redeemer, here was a “son of God”. Here was the greatest love that any man can have as he lays down his life for a friend.
The Centurion continued:
“My servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering.”
Now, what could the crowd say? Simon the zealot has two scalps to add to his nationalistic zeal, the crowd has their moment because the soldiers may possibly help the Jews execute this treacherous Son of Rome. All Jesus had to do was say the word. Maybe they had enough men to liberate all of Capernaum, for now, the chain of command in the occupying force was in disarray.
The disciples could well have thought;
“The kingdom is at hand!”
But they were to be doubly shocked for Jesus was about to betray the zealots cause. He refused the “Kingdom on a platter”. He went even further. He joined the centurion in his act of treason.
“I will go and heal him”.
Treason. Traitor. Treachery. Betrayal. Son of the devil
The crowd was incensed.
The disciples’ faces were white with fear. If Jesus is going to the Centurion’s quarters, so are they. Simon may have looked for a sword.
While they are getting used to the shock and the horror of this crusade gone horribly wrong the Centurion speaks again:
“Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. Just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me”.
The “soldiers under him” must have reeled in horror. He is implicating them in his treachery. He has now dishonored Caesar twice. He has dishonored the Kingdom of Rome by denigrating the household of the Roman Army. How could the might and majesty of Rome be unworthy to welcome this Jew?
The Centurion has sealed his fate a second time because he was amazed by Jesus’ first reply. He knows, exactly, the consequences that Jesus’ has brought upon himself. And he clarifies his mission.
“There is only one man here that is going to die for the one he loves, Jesus, this is not your sacrifice, it is mine.”
But he was so wrong. He, of all men in all of Israel had now joined the mission of God in Jesus. Jesus had come to die. Both had come with a love that had the ultimate expression.
Jesus does not back away. A second time he joins the Roman in sacrificial love. A second time he ensures his fate, but this time, he goes much further.
“When Jesus heard this, he was astonished…”
Now you must admit that this is an amazing thing to say about the Son of God! What could possibly astonish Jesus?
“I tell you the truth; I have not found anyone in Israel with such faith.”
This is looking awfully like a riot. Now the Roman soldiers had a real problem. Two traitors and a very angry mob and a very shaky position of authority.
Could it possibly get any worse? Oh yes, much worse.
Jesus set’s the disciples’ teeth on edge. What he says next is beyond the comprehension of any God fearing Jew. It is just too horrible to even consider, it is blasphemous to the extreme. It is the worst thing that has ever come from the lips of a God fearing Jew and I believe it reverberated right into the center of Jerusalem many years later as Pilate gave this crowd their choice; Jesus or Barabbas?
I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feats with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
What sort of Messiah is this?
I am amazed that Jesus could have walked away from the crowd. How he managed to escape their righteous anger is beyond me, but I am assured of the fate of the Centurion. He was a dead man.
“Then he said to the centurion, “Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.” And his servant was healed that very hour.
Two men have given their lives for an unnamed servant.
I wonder what the servant thought as, a number or years later, he hears about the resurrection and remembers just how he was healed?.
It is so very shallow that the main point of this story has been said to be “spiritual authority”. How we miss the heart of God while we a looking for signs and wonders. We miss the greatest sign of all. Sacrificial love for the unworthy.
I was sitting quietly in my throne room many months after this story had been compiled into my second book, when the untold enormity of this meeting struck me deep inside my spirit. You see, we can step back from the dots and just look at what we are shown, or we can go deeper, and search for the hidden heart of God. This may cause you to struggle. This may provoke far more questions than it will give you answers, but God has to outgrow our dots.It is a simple question. The Roman centurion is a long way from home. He is separated from his loved ones. Perhaps he had a wife and children. He was alone in a country that hated him with a national and spiritual intensity. The only way to live was to live by the sword.
In the middle of this occupation, this centurion’s servant becomes ill, desperately ill. The centurion struggles with his servant’s pain. He may have searched high and low for doctors to bring healing and relief. He may have spent many sleepless nights attending his servant, but there came a day when he could bear it no longer. He knew about Jesus. He knew about the Jewish traditions of sacrifice and atonement. He decided to present himself as a living sacrifice. He decided that he would die for his servant.
How Godly. How beautiful.
No wonder Jesus was moved.
A simple question that I want you to answer for yourself.
What was the relationship between the Centurion and his servant?
What was this love?
Why would a man who had so much to live for and so much to lose decide that death was better than living alone?
What is Jesus saying to us?
Now put yourself in the crowd.
Knowing the rumors that may have surrounded this Centurion and his servant, what do you think of Jesus?
We cannot be so sure can we?
Sort of challenges us to the very center of our belief structure.
Who is God asking to change?
January 14th, 2006 at 2:27 pm
Very true Geoff
the early church was known for its care of its own and their love for one another and even for its care of their enemies sick and poor, (Julian the apostate lamented that the Christians looked after the Roman poor, who were pagan, as he was, while he was trying to get rid of them)
What are we known for today…? sexual misconduct by priests and pastors, financial scandal and manipulation of the spiritually vulnerable for our own aggrandisement, hypocritical calls to the world to standards that we don’t live up to ourselves, churches with cultures of bigotry towards race even socio economic status
we should be known by our love for each other and the unlovely
January 15th, 2006 at 1:39 pm
Thank you so much for taking the time to read through my thoughts. I long for the day when all we choose to offer is what has been given to all that we never had.
January 16th, 2006 at 2:12 pm
I’m gobsmacked.
I’m gonna have to print this out and ponder this one for a while.
thanks,
.h
January 19th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
thank you harry… let me know if i can help.
January 28th, 2006 at 5:55 am
Over the last week I have become increasingly aware of my need to address my pain and bitterness regarding my years at Hillsong and my relationships there. As I read many of my posts I see a sad and angry man who appears to be attempting to destroy so much of the good that was accomplished during my years at Hillsong. This is not the way to walk in grace. This is not the way of walking into wholenes, life and light. I truly believe some posts of mine were uncalled for and were simply rude and unecessary. They were graceless. No matter what I may have experienced I have no right to denegrate another human being. In the light of that I offer my sincere apologies to Brian and Bobbie Houston and all of the Hillsong crew. I would very much value their forgiveness. I also offer my apologies to anyone who may have been offended, saddened or confused by what i have written over the last six months. This little statement is not the result of ‘being leant” on. I simply want to let the past now lie where it belongs, recognising that we all, in trying so hard to do good, made some sad mistakes. I cannot apply grace to my actions without applying to the actions of others… In the end, I just need to be responsible for me, there are just too many major flaws in Geoff Bullock to deal with before i can presume to deal with the flaws of others. I feel much better now!
January 28th, 2006 at 9:15 am
Geoff, it is with a sense of hesitancy that I reply to this post of yours. As you are obviously dealing with lots of pain and need to deal with that in your own way.
But, I wish to say that I have not experienced you as “a sad and angry man” but rather a man who is in pain and seeking to work through that pain. In doing so, I think you are providing hope and articulating pain for others who have experienced similar pain.
I thank you for your courage and willingness to do this.
January 28th, 2006 at 9:32 am
Thank you so much Phil… perhaps i am seeking forgiveness for an attitude that’s only obvious to God and myself, perhaps it just a few posts, but certainly the one I made last week that referred to Hillsongs’ implied faults as being “much more than could could imagine” really was just plain unecessary. I also think that my response to Graeme last week was too posturing. If this was only a series of emails that flowed in private between like minded friends, then fine, relationships would cover the excesses of personality and the ‘heat of the moment’ things. However, this is a blog that is open to all, and I wish to remain responsible to ‘doing as I would like done’.
Again, I so appreciate Dan and yourself for making the forum so freely available to all of us refugees!
January 28th, 2006 at 10:04 am
I emailed Geoff a letter regarding this post & he suggested I post it here, so here is a portion of it, along with a portion of his response (bless you mate!)
Hi Geoff,
hope you are well. You were probably expecting this letter, but I really do have to ask about your last “forgiveness” post on signposts.
I understand fully what you are saying re grace etc…..however, to the average punter, it sort of looks like all is therefore ok now with hillsongs- and it’s not. It is still a system based on heirarchy, money, power etc where people are getting damaged - Lionfish’s “Amway” spiel I felt discribed it perfectly.
I know you are working through stuff…. however, I was remembering even more things - almost
like a flash back…… & you know, I don’t think that there was EVER one minute that I wasn’t trying to please someone or work harder so that I didn’t get “in trouble”. I honestly cannot remember one happy time.
There are so many examples of Christianity gone wrong-both there & in the many churches they have influenced, that even though I know that God can & will show grace towards the people-I still must speak against the system that is damaging so many.
I’m sorry for the rave - hopefully you hear my heart.
Part of Geoff’s response: I totally agree with you, and I think you should post your letter to me…
However, some of my recent stuff went quite beyond boundaries that I would like to be practiced towards me… And it is those one that I needed to apologise for…
May 23rd, 2006 at 4:56 pm
This text SO deserves to be read and re-read, and then read again! I just joined you all here at signposts yersterday - and have to say I feel more at home here, than with many of my year-long friends… Geoff, I love the way you let the story of Jesus READ YOU. I truly believe that God is waiting for us to allow just that - for Him to search our deepest corners and make our motives transparent for us to acknowledge. That would be such a revolution of true grace. Also, thank you so much for your example in struggling to remain responsible to ‘doing as I would like done’. I really appreciate you sharing this!
May 23rd, 2006 at 5:31 pm
Piask… oh, thank you so much. What a unexpected blessing you are!
Please keep in touch.
May 23rd, 2006 at 9:37 pm
Is it even possible for christians/people to love unconditionally. Is this one of the things that makes god who He is because only He can do this?
May 23rd, 2006 at 10:01 pm
yes and no - I don’t think we can do it over time without fall-outs, but I do think that part of growing up to the “family-likeness” so to speak, is becoming aware of our chance to immitate Jesus in “laying down my life”, perhaps just meaning laying down my right to “be right” in order for somebody else to know that they are truly loved and accepted, at a point in time
May 23rd, 2006 at 10:12 pm
came to think - maybe that was an extremely insensitive awy of putting it, in a place where lots of you have been taking MUCH MORE that your share of “giving up rights”. I only meant it to answer the question on our ability to love unconditionally - please don’t read it as a gneral statement - I centainly wouldn’t advice anybody to give up their right to defend ANY opinion, when it comes to dealing with controlling leaders! (The story of their need for God’s love left out…)
May 23rd, 2006 at 10:35 pm
perhaps (just a thought before bedtime) true unconditional love is also wise love? Doing what is truly best for the other never means giving them whatever they desire, it means being willing to give them what they truly need, whatever the cost to ourselves. And it can take a lot of godly discernment to know what someone needs, whether it’s the mercy of overlooking their failures towards us or the hard mercy of holding them accountable. Perhaps unconditional love isn’t laying down our wills for one another (that’s a recipe for abuse) but laying down our wills to God for one another’s sake, knowing that he loves them far better than I can, but he can use me to expresshis love to them … maybe I’m rambling, but as one who has struggled to learn to stand up for myself when abused, I am trying to figure out the meaning of this for myself ..
May 23rd, 2006 at 10:50 pm
sounds just about right to me - (I only meant the laying down my right to “be right” -part as an example of what could be illustrating love - probably a very poor choice for an example…) And you’re definitely right about the “godly discernment”-part - since some abusers might argue that they are just showing us the “hard mercy”. But I think you’re absolutely right on - showing love oscillates between overbearing and holding accountable - and I think that what defines it as love in each instance is the spirit in which it is delivered - and received.
May 23rd, 2006 at 11:08 pm
yeah, the spirit in which it is done is always the heart of it, as anyone who has ever been the recipient of some so-called “christian love” knows only too well (my unfavourite was “I don’t like you at all but I love you in Christ” .. not sure what they were trying to say but it sure didn’t feel like love) .. guess I want to think through this some more, but one of the problems, I suspect is that (as usual) we fall into making rules and produce some generalisation saying “this is what love looks like” when the truth is that some of us need to learn to love in ways that might be the polar opposite. To get back to the transparency thing, it’s trying to learn to be as open as we can (no hidden, self-serving agendas) struggling to get self out of the way so that Christ who is within us can reach out through us and we learn to claim nothing as our own achievement (in the sense of spiritual brownie points) but, lost in wonder at the grace that holds us and lifts us how ever often we stumble back into self, we dare not deny that grace to anybody else, in fact, we reach a place (I suspect) where the thought of grace being denied to anyone is an affront to everything we are struggling to become, and everything that gives the struggle meaning. am I rambling?
definitely time for bed!
May 23rd, 2006 at 11:47 pm
You’re not rambling, I think - you’re on to a lot of related questions that really need asking! I’m sad, though, to see you talking of “getting self out of the way” - unless you think of getting selfishness or selfcenteredness or self… out of the way - then I agree:-)
I honestly think that the way ahead is being true to who we are, individually, and to become the truest self possible, reflecting humbly the genius creativity of our maker - not to get our “uniqueness of self” out of the way.
Maybe sometimes we want things that are not good for us (and that might need to get out of the way), but I do believe that what we want tells us a story of who we are meant to be that we need to pay some attention! Often we just cut off ourselves from longings that could have led us onto great things we didn’t even imagined existed. Sometimes it can be hard to tell what is what… but it shouldn’t keep us from trying:-) Test all things; hold fast what is good!
May 24th, 2006 at 9:14 am
Thanks, an important correction. I wasn’t clear. i did mean selfishness, “grabbiness” as someone I used to know called it, and I think it’s a good word, it expresses that fallen part of us that wants to grab something for ourselves (money, attention, prestige, comfort .. you name it) out of whatever situation we find ourselves. it’s the bit that stops us loving. The true self, as you rightly say, is another thing altogether, our unique, individual take on reflecting the image of God. The longings of our hearts reflect our fundamental needs, finding appropriate ways to meet them is a journey for each of us. I think one of the tragedies of abuse is that it demands the sacrifice of our true selves in order to meet the demands placed upon us, one of the struggles for abused people is to rediscover what their true self is and that they have a right to be it .. just my thoughts ..
May 24th, 2006 at 9:29 am
couldn’t have put it better - now that you say it, I remember just what that part felt like. Luckily, my worst wounding is back some time now, and I’m beginning to have a restored feeling of becoming me:-) Good luck to all of us on that!
December 1st, 2006 at 1:43 pm
Geoff,
I just read your heart felt apology for things you have written that I am yet to read. You mentioned that you had written as an angry man.
I have written to you as maybe you can help me through my own anger. I am a former pastor who was burned by the church. My theological position grew as a result of reading Baxter Kruger books and attending some lectures of his at Tabor in Victoria. As a result my church senior Pastor asked for my resignation. the way it all happened was very hurtful including seeing my wife stood down from her position because of my beliefs, this happened when I was serving the church on a short term mission overseas.
I honestly feel many things towards that church in that no one stood up and defended me in any way.
I still feel pain and fell like ministry has been taken from me
Any suggestions for dealing with this?